Only in darkness we can see our light shining brightly

 

I spent such a long time outside my head I cannot believe it, but when I entered it again, things had changed. I know that there is no greater danger for really getting on with things than complacency. Nonetheless, right now I enjoy being complacent. It feels as if I have earned it.

 

Feeling less depressed, I barely remember it, but there was a really long time when everything looked uniformly bleak if not threatening, without a single silver lining – apart from the thought that it could be so much worse. Therefore it’s a long way back to fictional issues, but the interaction became interesting. I have probably been so inconclusive on fiction vs real life because there hadn’t BEEN any “real life” barging in like this.

 

There was exactly one place where things had improved in 2023 – even though (or because?) they got a bit over my head: at work. A small token of the big improvement after our head librarian – who had “bad karma” written on his forehead – retired was that we all received “christmassy” fortune cookies that tasted of cinnamon and contained the usual uplifting rubbish, apart from mine which read: “Only in darkness we can see our light shining brightly”.

 

I was flabbergasted. I don’t think it ever happened to me that I got issued the right words at the right time. At the moment though, I could only see the darkness … Simultaneously, I became aware that I already WAS less idle and complacent than I used to be. In a way, I had been preparing for the bad times.

 

Right now, things may not really be looking up, but seem to be getting a move on. And, together with the change of light, that makes me feel as if I was a part of something – a feeling I had entirely lost. One example: I had been listening to the BBC’s “Ukrainecast” from the beginning – I know there is still hope for people gathering behind the RIGHT causes as long as the BBC exists! – but recently almost stopped because it became too depressing. Right at this moment, Macron started talking about NATO getting troupes into Ukraine – which might not sound that ludicrous as it does now in a few months’ time when everybody got used to the idea! Of course, if we ONLY had Macron OR Sunak OR Scholz we would be fucked, but as long as the division of labour holds with France and Great Britain contributing bold ideas and practical support, and Germany most of the funds, there is still hope. And not to stop listening is an expression of this hope.

 

A similar issue was the fascist movement gaining ground because of the “weakness” of the current government – still the best government we ever had, in my opinion, because they have at least some ideas about the FUTURE. Sometimes the darkness becoming overpowering can induce the little scattered lights to rise and shine. And then they are not so small and dim anymore. I had despaired of the limp climate protests, but suddenly there were 200 000 (!) people on Leopoldstraße – the population of an entire city – screaming that they hated the AfD! And I was one of them. They haven’t stopped since (- though I don’t doubt we will get lazy and complacent again.)

 

(The experience of rising chaos and all-encompassing darkness went deep, though, this time, and finally made me “crack” “Macbeth”. But there is still a lot leading up to this …)

 

Before that, there was a lot of “family” to work through. At the best of times – grin! – I forget that I am part of a family and carry on happily with my little life. But when they are not so good, I become aware that my family is the only thing I have. And that it might be falling apart, or has fallen apart a long time ago without anybody noticing. This might have been mostly the depression talking – the point of families is exactly that they don’t fall apart - but this doesn’t mean that everything is even remotely as it should be. And realizing this made me willing to put a bit of work into it – setting aside other things. This war mostly disagreeable and stressful, and I realized the benefit only when I recently spent a week in London with my friend and found that I was so relaxed that I was kind of floating the whole time, as if nothing even so slightly disagreeable could touch me – nor did it, in fact. I felt entirely free of doubt, and I think the reason was that, somewhere on the way through this muddle and mess, I realized that I had a totally clear and clean feeling about what was right for me to do, even though others might not like it, and that all I had to do was to follow that feeling. Part of the trouble with my family is that everybody is so nice and disagreement such a difficult issue, but sometimes it is not possible to agree with everybody, and I invariable feel bad when I pretend to. But when I stand my ground, others respect me more, even listen to me, though they might dislike me at this moment. For the first time, I experienced RIGHTEOUSNESS as something satisfactory and important, as long as it is not misused to make others feel bad, because it is an expression and a strengthening of one’s own moral compass. (Like screaming: “Munich hates the AfD!” – which, unfortunately, is a long way from making anybody feel bad.) Somehow I got this right and, in my own eyes, had emerged as a better person. Which I think is the intrinsic goal of life: to grow in our entirety as a person, not just in detail, like looks, fitness, intellect, professional abilities etcetera, we just don’t know how to do it, most of the time. Therefore it felt like a real achievement, but also as if I got really lucky, to the point that I almost understand now what people mean when the say that they feel “humbled” – and really mean it!

 

(I also realized during this stay in London where we saw the most incredible theatre how reading, but especially theatre – as a time-saving, instantaneous method! – may help to boost this inner compass. I think I even wrote this once, without really understanding it yet, that this is because we are enjoying OURSELVES. Life - at best! - is the HARD road to perfection, but they both work together.)

 

This should have been the introduction to what I really intended to write, but it got too big, so I take a break before I embark on splitting hairs about psychopaths, sociopaths and empathy deficiency.