There are many things in the womb of time that will be delivered …

Groundbreaking things happened, and I had to leave my philosopher’s haven and set out to sea … for how long I do not know. Nor do I know how to handle all this, so, maybe, I begin with the beginning. After watching “Coriolanus” and getting back to Claudia with how impressed I had been, she alerted me to the talk Tom Hiddleston had with the director, Josie Rourke on YouTube. I listened to it and was so impressed!!! I will never find the time to deal with everything that is in there, so I don’t even start. The second most exciting thing was about Shakespeare, and this will probably become a post in due time. Meanwhile there are more pressing matters.

The most exciting thing I only realized when I started to think about the talk. It was that, for the first time in my life, I had been allowed to access somebody’s “inner space”. Not just to get a peek through a window and guess what might be in there, but really ENTER and kind of walk around in it. I can even see it, before my inner eye: the colour scheme is rather dark, brownish – which probably doesn’t mean anything, might just be a colour impression I got from the video? – but well-lit, with golden lights, and very clear vertical lines, like rays of light … it will become evident a little later why this is important.

This was not, of course, like the whole house, just the well-lit and carefully structured part where you can let other people in because it is about something they understand and which might concern them as well. As it did me. There was a lot more than just Shakespeare where we were surprisingly in sync. At the moment I am not dealing with the content only with the groundbreaking effect this experience had on my own inner world. It furnished me with something I totally needed.

I had, for the first time, “seen” a “mind palace”. The concept comes from “Sherlock” (the series with Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch). Quotation marks because a mind palace is not something one would ever see. It is a method of accessing inner content. As Sherlock is probably on the autistic spectrum, he remembers EVERYTHING, but – even though he probably spends hours deleting unnecessary data like the world revolving around the sun! – this is way too much. So he needs a method to store data in a way he can retrieve it. Go into his mind, walk around in there, enter different rooms or similar to look at their content. Listening to Tom Hiddleston explaining his art, I felt as if there was a tangible structure to his thinking and feeling, and dealing with it, and that this was organized in a way that felt very familiar. So, if I could just access MY OWN content IN THE SAME WAY …

But this idea only came to me about three days later – when I suddenly needed it. This was when I had finally got hold of this interview Richard Armitage gave The Telegraph in January. As I don’t read the twitter, I didn’t yet know about it in January – which was a good thing because it would have “crossed” the “Uncle Vanya” experience. It was at the beginning of March – immediately before I got cut off everything for about eight weeks because of the corona virus, best time of my life!!! – that I hit on the link by chance but couldn’t retrieve the full text. This is so embarrassing!!! Me being a librarian and unable to find a way to read this damned interview! I knew that I HAD to get it, though, because I had a fairly good idea of what it would contain. After being back at work, I employed a proper librarian, and she got it for me in no time at all!

Even though I “suspected” from the beginning, the confirmation, I knew, would bring some kind of groundbreaking change to my inner world. I remember distinctly watching Richard Armitage’s interview on “North and South” – which I must have bought at the beginning of 2013! - where he referred to the moment in the film where John Thornton is watching her leave and whispers: “Turn around – please!” (or similar) which had been one of his favourite moments. And he said that he didn’t have to act because he knew exactly what it felt like. As usual, I was touched by the candour, but thought at the same time: Ummm - but this was about a man, wasn’t it? - So, I was more than “forewarned”, but as I never bother with believing things I will probably never know, there was this big “blank” instead that imagination automatically filled in. Now I would have to go there and deal with the bullshit, and I didn’t have the faintest idea what might happen as a result. I just felt that it would be so much better if I knew and could “monitor” the change.

It hit me then that there was – of course! – a room in my “mind palace” with “RA” written on the door, and that I could just try and go in there and have a look because I am doing this once a day at least anyway. So I did, and decided that this room didn’t just need a spring cleaning, it needed to be refurbished completely! – I must say I wasn’t just surprised but dumbfounded by the immediate success when I tried this. It was certainly emotional, but it was done in a day – the interview was extremely helpful in VARIOUS respects! – and I am quite pleased with the result. The colour scheme is up to date now, and it is light and well-aired. And finally fully furnished – as completely as it will probably ever be. And, most importantly, all the bullshit got cleared out. It feels very convincing, but also kind of … bleak and sad?

Maybe that’s just the exhaustion - and I will still have to get used to the new look and feel of it. For now I would very much need that room with “Me” on the door. To get a bit of solace, or just catch up on my sleep  … Didn’t find it. Why? Shouldn't there be one …?!!!

The last question got answered partially when – impressed by my success – I immediately proceeded to the next project. Which, at first, looked less like work and more like play. I had finally watched the “Thor” films immediately before watching the talk, and was very much moved by the impression that Tom Hiddleston and Loki had had a GENUINE relationship. Because I knew I had too. Watching the films (which are still bad, except for Loki!), I realized that Loki had become one of my three favourite characters in world literature – with Snorri the Priest from the Icelandic Sagas and Ulysses from the Iliad. I knew there was a room with “Loki” on the door since I watched “Hannibal” (the series) in 2016. That’s when I opened it for the first time, unintentionally, and looked, but didn’t really get it. Now I finally stepped inside - and there it was! All of it.

Prize question: What is the worst thing you will ever find opening one of these doors?

By the way, I am rather certain that Tom Hiddleston, who appears like a genuinely likeable person, DIDN’T have a room with “Loki” on the door – as I do. But he was able to BUILD one. And then GENUINELY inhabit it. That is why he is such a great actor. Looking at these separate rooms, I finally understand why somebody can play ugly, horrible, and despicable characters really well - people they would fear or loathe in real life, or that are so unlike them that it is ridiculous – and this will never have any repercussions on them as a person! As Richard Armitage put it in the interview with his usual shocking precision: “… PART of me always felt: Well, isn’t this why we are actors?”

Certainly – that’s where I am always looking for proof that I don’t just like the person but that they really are great actors. I only “believe” in them when I have seen them play very DIFFERENT characters. On the other hand, listening closely to Tom Hiddleston, I became aware that there is always this urge or need to GIVE this bit of themselves. Of THEIR OWN truth. Which I understand so well because I know it so well myself. I think this is what I always see in Ralph Fiennes – and become fascinated how somebody can be so totally “shameless” about it. Or Christopher Eccleston, whom I have seen being so different so many times as I have seen no other actor. But there is always something to it that is a hundred and twenty percent Chris Eccleston. Nobody could be this or do this quite as he does … About Richard Armitage I just realize how successful my newfound method to access my inner space has been. I had always seen it but didn’t really know what it was. Now I know – and it has always been the same. His self-assessed “melancholy”, and this solitude – not outwardly, of course, but somewhere deep down running through this whole life. It is something so special and strange about SHARING his solitude with us. I think this is why his characters always feel so utterly convincing.

Strange year, this year … the 22^nd of August must have come early. 😉 (More reason for congratulations, maybe, than hitting 49?) I suppose there are always “many things in the womb of time that will be delivered”. Only sometimes they actually are!